I lost myself trying to please everyone else. Now I’m losing everyone while I’m finding myself. – Unknown
As someone who has gone public with family and friends about being donor conceived, I feel this deeply.
Many donor-conceived people keep their status a secret for the protection of others, but secrecy denotes shame. Secrecy screams that there is something wrong or abnormal—something that will not be accepted and should not be shared.
Why did parents of my generation keep their use of a donor a secret? Because the doctors told them to. Because male-factor infertility was stigmatized. Because they feared—or knew—that their family would not accept or love us if our lack of genetic connection was known.
Why do donors often fail to tell their own families that they donated? Because no matter what altruistic spin you put on the act by calling it a donation, there is something unsavory and uncomfortable about selling your DNA and choosing to never acknowledge your biological offspring.
I went public with my status because it is the truth. I withheld the truth for two years after I learned it, and it was a heavy and confusing burden to carry. It was a burden I was never going to pass on to my own children.
I have lost people by going public. I have lost family members who never offered encouragement and voiced displeasure at my decision to ever speak of my search for biological family, of my need for connection. I have friends and family who no longer interact with my social media posts as much as they used to, and I surmise this is because they too see me differently or do not support my openness and advocacy.
Donor conceived people notice these things because we desperately want others to understand and support us. We already have people missing from our lives that we want to include, and we do not want to lose more people.
At the same time, we should not be forced to lie by omission or hide our feelings for everyone else’s comfort.
Tiffany Gardner. Originally posted to Instagram on April 29, 2021.
A Donor Conceived Adult 