Lying is a form of disrespect. Remember that.
Freskoismee via Tumbl
Recently I was very upset after going down the comment rabbit hole on a potential recipient parent’s Instagram post.
A recipient of donated eggs commented that she and her family (grandparents of the child included) had decided to never tell the child that they were the product of egg donation because she did not want the child to question that she and the father are the child’s parents. She also said that her fertility doctor had approved this decision. I guess that doctor does not think knowing and providing accurate family medical history is important.
I had to take extra anxiety medication to sleep that night because the comment so disturbed me all day. There was so much to unpack. Even in this day and age, people are continuing to decide it is in their child’s best interest to LIE about genetic origins. And they do it by couching it in terms of what is “best for our family.” But is that best for the child? Is that best for the generations that follow from that child?
I hope this parent changes her mind. No matter how many “positive stories” she has found from other recipients who have done the same and whose children have “grown up fine,” that is merely living in an echo chamber. Of course we grow up fine when we have no reason to suspect that our parents are LYING to us about our genetic origins. But when we learn the truth? We are not fine.
Lying under these circumstances might be in the parent’s best interest because the parent has not worked through their own grief at being unable to produce a genetic child—a grief that is deep and heartbreaking and valid—but it is not in the child’s long term best interest. Do the hard emotional work so that you do not pass that work on to your child.
Tiffany Gardner. Originally published on Instagram on May 4, 2021.
A Donor Conceived Adult 