For late-discovery donor conceived people, it seems recipient parents often want to minimize our feelings by focusing on the deception. “If I just tell the truth from the beginning, my kids won’t end up [insert negative adjective of choice here].” But telling the truth doesn’t always tell the whole story.
What upsets me the most about donor conception is the anonymity. The unknown. The answers just beyond reach. The excuse to ignore my existence. The eggshells I tread in any attempt at contact. The rejection by my biological father. The perception that none of this should matter to me.
Recipient parents now have access to many more options and information than was available to my parents. And yet today I saw a comment by a woman who said her children will never have the option to contact her donor because he was anonymous. For her, it was a case-closed situation. She paid good money for the donor’s sperm, and that was the extent of his involvement in her life—and her child’s life.
Do you know what that screams? Insecurity. It screams fear. A need for control. That this parent was so scared of her child’s potential desire to want a connection with their biological father that she deliberately made that impossible. Because in her mind, it will be “impossible” for her child to ever identify the donor.
Except it’s not impossible. Many of our anonymous donors have been identified. Many of us have made contact. Many of us have been welcomed. And many of us have been rejected. Many of us experience the rejection that mother fears feeling herself. Many of us experience it many times over.
Willfully choosing an anonymous donor will not stop your child from needing or wanting more. But it very well might stop your child from accessing closure.
A Donor Conceived Adult 