real (adj) – Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence; true and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal.
I never liked the idea of having a “real” dad versus a dad who was not “real.” Some people use “real” when they mean “genetic.” And unfortunately, other people use “real” to diminish someone’s importance in another person’s life. Indeed, the word is often employed as a weapon or defense mechanism.
I was raised by my adoptive step-father. He was listed on my birth certificate after my adoption, and he will always be Dad to me. But one time, a few years after the adoption, my cousins on his side told me I was not their “real” cousin. The word landed like a bomb.
On the other hand, I spent 35 years believing my genetic father died when I was 4. His mother, my beloved grandmother who, like me, did not know I was actually donor conceived, did not accept my second dad as my “real” father. After her death, I found photos she left for me identifying my first father as my “real” father. It landed like a bomb again even as an adult.
Let’s stop using the word “real” when it comes to family. There are genetic families, non-genetic families, and things in between. All of those roles and all of those families are very much real to the people involved. To call them anything less is hurtful. Genetic and non-genetic parents and children are real, and I will explore this more in coming posts.
A Donor Conceived Adult 