Even if I decide to search, I still want you to be my home.
Fear can be brutal, especially as a parent. You love your child and would do anything to protect them. And what could hurt more than losing your child? After my biological father ended our relationship, and after my dad died, my mom confessed that my dad was worried the relationship I formed with my biological father would impact how I felt about my dad. Although my biological father and I shared more in common, he was never going to take my dad’s place.
Not long after both were gone from my life, and while my grief over both was still fresh, my mom lashed out and asked if I would have rather had my biological father as a dad. It was an unfair question, and it hurt because it undermined my feelings and called into question the efforts I had made to assure my parents I still loved them.
When I found my biological father, I knew he could never replace the dad who raised me. How could he replace the man who read to me when I had chickenpox, taught me to drive, dropped me off at college, walked me down the aisle, and welcomed my first son as his first grandchild? I was never searching for another parent; I was searching for answers about my literal self. I was looking to find the parts of my face and personality that were never reflected within my family. I was hoping to have better insight into my own children’s quirks. And if I formed a warm friendship with my biological father along the way, so much the better. My heart had enough room for more love without taking love from anyone else.
Whatever their personal misgivings, my parents outwardly supported my decision to search for and connect with my biological father, and for that I am grateful. The one concern my dad openly shared was his fear I would get hurt. And when that happened due to my biological father’s unexpected and sudden rejection, my parents were there to pick me up off the ground, just as they always had been.
Hearing after the fact that my parents to some extent took my decision to search and connect personally not only hurt but made me angry. It felt accusatory and as if I had done something wrong, but I knew that I had not. I am grateful my parents were not openly hostile to my efforts when they began, but I wish they had not been secretly wounded. Thankfully my mom has now come to a more complete understanding of my feelings.
All of this to say that when a donor-conceived person decides to search for genetic family, they need support, not guilt. They need love, not anger or accusations. And they need someone concerned with the donor-conceived person’s feelings, not with their own self-preservation. Donor-conceived people still need people and a place to call home. They still need their parents.
Jana Rupnow, LPC helps parents overcome the fear that a desire to search for genetic family will lead their children away. Please visit her page to learn more.
A Donor Conceived Adult 