Today was a first. This afternoon I received a message on Ancestry from a distant cousin on my paternal line whose mother was adopted at birth. He is just beginning to research my paternal grandmother’s family but was able to pinpoint our common ancestor several great-grandparents back. I responded with the names of each person who traces me back to our common ancestor. There won’t be much more information I can provide, but I hope to hear back to know how his search progresses.
I wondered who else he has messaged. Perhaps my paternal aunt who has never responded to my messages or Facebook friend request but has read them all without blocking me and left my friend requesting pending? If this new person asks her questions about our shared family ancestry, will she respond to him because he is distantly related? Will the son of an adoptee be treated with the same sense of fear that has been apparent in so many of the abruptly ended communications I have had with family members on these DNA sites?
I rarely open my Ancestry messages anymore, but after I responded to this new cousin I revisited a few. People who first initiate conversations often want to know through whom we are related, and once they realize that their parents know or knew my biological father or my biological grandfather, many abruptly stop reading my messages or responding. It’s as if a lightbulb goes off at that moment and they realize that I am not “legitimate,” and it clearly makes them uncomfortable.
I truly hope that this new cousin will be embraced by his and his mother’s newly discovered family members.
Update: I had to tell this new distant cousin that I will not be able to help him locate a family item of interest because the person he believes has it does not communicate with me, and neither does my aunt, who is on Ancestry and might also know the answer to his question. I feel so embarrassed for being an outcast.
A Donor Conceived Adult 